My Wife is an Idiot

Me-PS Part 2

2011-11-14T13:22:00.003-05:00

I have mentioned at length in other posts that my wife becomes incredibly frazzled behind the wheel of a car. This is especially true at highway speeds.

We live in the suburbs of a major metropolitan area. My wife recently had to drive downtown, and naturally, she came to me for help.

Her: "Okay, how do I get downtown?"

Me: "The same way as always. Take I-XX west into downtown."

Her: "I thought that was closed?"

She was correct, to a point. Part of a major interstate is temporarily closed where we live for major road work. Through traffic is routed around the closure, but one can still access the downtown area since the closure is on the opposite side of the city from us. I explained this to her, just as I have every single time she has to go downtown.

Her: "Are you sure?"

Me: "Positive. I go that way all the time."

Her: "Okaaay."

Ten minutes later, she calls me from the road.

Her: "I missed the exit onto I-XX west. The sign said the road was closed."

Me: "Did the sign say the road was closed past downtown?"

Her: "Yes."

Me: "Then it was okay to go that way. Just like we discussed."

Her: "Oh. So what do I do now?"

We spent the next twenty minutes on the phone as I guided her, turn by turn, to her destination.

Lots of gift, but math's not one of them.

2011-05-19T12:10:00.003-04:00

My wife recently got a gift card from someone, and she asked me to look up the balance online.

Me: "It was ten dollars."

Her: "Cool! I have another one for the same store for $20, so that's like 35 bucks!"

Me: "Thirty."

Her: "Oh. Right."

Hello. What?

2011-05-19T12:09:00.001-04:00

My phone rings. It's her. As usual.

Me: "Hello?"

Her: "Oh, hey. I forgot why I called you. Let me call you back." Click.

She never called back.

The Education Train Stops Here

2011-02-08T12:49:00.002-05:00

My wife and I both acknowledged when we had children that they would reach a point in their education where my wife would no longer be able help them with their homework. It would seem we have reached that point with our oldest child.

My wife is frequently baffled by his homework, and she must ask me whether he is doing it correctly, even while he is explaining it to her.

Our oldest child is in the second grade.

Don't Do Dish; Do That

2010-08-06T11:03:00.000-04:00

My wife and I go through this little dance every couple of months.

Since I stay up later and get up earlier than she, I will usually load and run the dishwasher before I go to bed. How it gets unloaded is another story.

Her: "Thanks for running the dishwasher, but can you put the dishes away before you leave in the morning. It would save me a lot of time trying to get get the kids ready."

Me: "Sure, but I thought you said the noise woke the kids up too early?"

Her: "I don't care about that. I just need some help."

A few weeks go by...

Her: "Thanks for putting the dishes away, but just let me do it. The noise woke the kids up way too early, and they were driving me nuts."

Me: "Okay, but I thought you said you were too busy to mess with it?"

Her: "I don't care about that. I just need some time to my self in the morning."

A few more weeks go by...

Her: "Thanks for running the dishwasher, but can you put the dishes away..."

I swear we have gone back forth on this six or seven times just in the last couple of years.

Using the Me-PS

2010-06-08T13:35:00.002-04:00

My wife decided to take our kids on a little trip to a children's museum a couple of hours away. The problem is that she left with no map, no plan and no clue, other than to ask me how to-sort-of get there. That part was actually easy for her.

The problem was that she could not get home. The city she went to is composed of some one-way streets, so she could not return exactly the way she came. She could not comprehend the directions she was getting from the locals, so she proceeded to call me every few minutes as she inched her way back. I was in meetings all day and could not talk her all the way through. At one point, she even left the city successfully, but was headed in the complete opposite direction.

She ended up arriving home some two hours later than expected. I mentioned getting a GPS, but she said, "Oh, that's too much trouble."

May Quickies

2010-05-12T12:28:00.002-04:00

From a phone conversation just now:

"I just saw a cute top I want to get. Oh, and our daughter has a 104 fever and probably needs to go to the doctor."

Nice priorities there.

And later:

"So the dog was really whiny and crying earlier, and I couldn't figure out what his problem was. Then I realized I clipped his leash to his ear instead of his collar."

How do you miss that badly?

Quickie: Bonehead at the Bank

2010-01-18T22:27:00.002-05:00

She just called me this morning to explain to her how to cash a check at a drive-up ATM. I had to walk her through:

1. Putting her card in.
2. Entering her PIN.
3. Putting the check in the envelope.
4. Putting the envelope in the right slot.
5. Doing a new, second transaction to withdraw money.

The Temperature's Low, But Higher Than Her I.Q.

2010-01-18T22:22:00.002-05:00

Another result of my wife's ongoing paranoia about our finances is our fighting over the thermostat. Right before she goes to bed, she will lower the thermostat to the low 60's to save energy overnight. There is only one problem; I typically stay awake about two hours longer than she. To combat this, I often turn the dial back up to the high 60's. As a side note, she is also deathly afraid that our furnace will break in the dead of winter, and we'll all freeze to death.

One night she got up around 10:30 and noticed the furnace was running and looked at the thermostat.

She. Freaked. Out.

"What are you doing?! You can't turn it up that fast! You'll break it!" she screamed.

"Break what?" I replied.

"The furnace! You have to turn it up gradually just until it turns on!"

"Do you know how this works? It's not going to make the furnace come on 'harder'. It just turns the furnace on and leaves it on until it reaches the temperature and then turns off."

"Yeah.", she said slowly.

"But that's not what you said. You thought that the furnace would blow itself up trying to get up to temperature. They aren't designed that way...", I explained.

"Whatever.", she fumed.

Close Minded

2009-12-10T22:55:00.002-05:00

My wife had just finished doing the Facebook thing on our laptop.

"Okay, I'm going to bed. How do I turn the computer off", she asked.

"Oh, just close the lid. That'll do it.", I replied.

She paused. "I don't know how to do that."

Her Brain is in Park

2009-11-28T23:27:00.002-05:00

My wife and I went into the city to visit one of the museums with the kids. As usual, she drove, and I navigated since she usually has no idea where she is going.

She pulled into a parking spot in a garage next to the museum, but the car was a little cockeyed, so I hopped out of the car to help her get lined up. She started waving at me frantically and pulling on the gear shift.

"It won't go out of park!", she yelled.

I climbed back in the car, glanced at the dash, and told her how to fix the problem.

"You need to turn the car back on."

See, It's Not Just Me

2009-09-23T18:49:00.002-04:00

A member of my wife's immediate family recently underwent an extended hospital stay for some lengthy procedures. Prior to their admission, the family was briefed on what the stay would entail.

"I'm really pissed off right now.", she said one day, hanging up the phone.

"What's up?", I asked.

"It's my family. They won't tell me anything about [her family member]."
She continued. "My mom even said I wouldn't understand all the medical terms. It's like they think I'm an idiot or something."

"Hmm.", I replied.

She Needs to Go With Him...

2009-08-23T21:57:00.002-04:00

Our son recently started back to school. My wife was telling me about how the first day went.

Her: "Oh. And I added forty more dollars to his lunch account. He only had seventeen in there. I don't how much that is."

Me: "..."
Me: "Fifty-seven."
Her: "Oh."

The Key to Stupidity

2009-05-05T15:14:00.002-04:00

"Have you seen my car keys?", she asked me the other day.

"No.", I answered wearily. One of my wife's never ending frustrations is her inability to find her personal items. She has wasted countless hours searching for things. I have suggested frequently that she pick a spot to put her things, and force herself to put them there when she gets home. But in her ADHD-like fog, she just drops them at random.

"Did you look in the car?", I asked. I will admit she will often drop her purse and keys in the passenger seat of her car to avoid this dilemma, but it causes an obvious problem. And yes, I have had to unlock her door for her when her locks unexpectedly.

"Oh!" She dashed to to the garage and returned.

"Well, I found 'em. They were still in the ignition, and the car was on."

Let's review.

She left her keys in the car.

In the ignition.

On.

Now I should point out that the engine was not running. She had just left them in the accessory position. So at least she had not poisoned us all.

Yet.

Do As I Say, Not As I Duh.

2009-04-09T15:08:00.002-04:00

The other night, things were just calming down. The kids were in bed, and I was settled in to watch some TV in our home office. As usual, I had my laptop in front of me but wasn't using it.

My wife came waltzing into the room.

"Get off Facebook!", she said, half-joking.

"I'm not even using the computer; I'm just watching TV.", I replied.

"Well, good. People that are on Facebook all night are really pathetic."

My techno-challenged wife recently upgraded her online repertoire to include Facebook along with her 10-year-old Hotmail account. After her outburst, she left to go to bed, or so I thought.

Just a couple of minutes later, she came in again. To update her Facebook status.

Crime is Stupid, But Not As Much as My Wife

2009-03-31T12:17:00.006-04:00

There has been a slight up tick in crime in our area lately, specifically car break-ins. Accordingly, our neighborhood association sent around a letter with tips to prevent them.

One of the tips is to always park your car in the garage or at least as close to the house as possible.

Coincidentally, I am currently doing some work on the house, so half our garage is now devoted to tools and my work area. I cannot park my car in the garage.

Here's where the trouble starts.

I usually just park up close to the house next to a light post next to the drive way like this:

This way, I can walk out my front door and easily around to the driver's side while making sure the car is well lit.

This is unacceptable to my wife. The letter clearly stated "as close to the house as possible". So she does just that whenever she drives my car:

She will even move my car closer after I get home from work. I have told her repeatedly that this is both unnecessary and annoying. In this position, I have to walk through the dirt or wet grass to get around to the other side. It also blocks the sidewalk from anyone walking up.

It does not matter. She will not be deterred from her crime fighting.

My Wife, the Luddite

2009-03-25T11:58:00.002-04:00

I've mentioned before that my wife is afraid of computers. This fear apparently extends to all electronics.

Example 1. We keep getting letters from our local electrical utility offering us a free, digital thermostat to replace the old, ugly rotary one we have. I'm all in favor of this, but my wife will have none of it.

"What's the big deal?", I asked, "It works the same and looks better."

"But I want to be able to control the temperature!", she barked.

"You still can; you just use the buttons to put in the temp you want. Plus, you can program it to change the temperature when we're not home."

"No! I want to do it!"

"You still can--"

"NO! I JUST DON'T LIKE THEM!!"

Example 2. We don't have cable, so I had to get some of those digital converters to use on the TVs and mount an outdoor antenna. I think the picture looks great, but she hates them.

Because you have to turn the TV on with one remote, and do everything else with another now.

That and sometimes the picture goes a little "pixelly".

On the upside, I'm slowly talking her in to getting cable. I can't wait to show her how a DVR works.

Too Cold To Think

2009-01-16T12:56:00.002-05:00

With the recent cold snap, my wife is conflicted by the desire to stay warm and her paranoid belief that we are spiraling into financial doom. She has been keeping the thermostat very low to keep our gas bill low. She finally relented, though, and turned the heat up a bit:

"I noticed that when I turned the heat up, it got a lot warmer!", she told me one evening.

You think?

It's the Most Idiotic Time of the Year

2008-12-03T08:46:00.002-05:00

We have have a small tree in our front yard that we hang ornaments for Christmas. The tree is getting bigger, obviously, so my wife got some more ornaments for it. No problem so far.

When I got home from work one day, she asked whether I could not put those up on the tree as well.

"Not right now.", I said.

"Why not?", she asked indignantly. She immediately assumes any refusal of work on my part is due to laziness.

"Because it's dark out.", I replied.

"So?", still indignant.

"I. Can't. See. The. Branches.", I said.

"Oh."

I've Got a Secret

2008-11-03T11:32:00.004-05:00

My wife wasn't necessarily being an idiot on this one; rather, this is an issue that probably exists in most marriages.

My job allows me the flexibility to work from just about anywhere. I am paid very well for what I do, but there is often a cognitive disconnect for my wife between the lifestyle we enjoy and what I have to do to sustain it.

In particular, she is particularly maddened by the time I spend on the computers. During the evenings, after the children go to bed and everything is buttoned up for the evening, I gravitate toward toward our home office. Sometimes I am working; sometimes I am not. Were you to look in on me, you would be just as likely to see me working on a report for work, or surfing the web. I am able to manage my time with this pretty well. During the same period of time, my wife will either be sleeping or watching TV, but it has always bothered her greatly that I was in there.

She will actually yell at me to "get off the f***ing computer!", to which I will respond "and do what?". Her answer is usually "I don't know!", "Anything!", "Work on something around the house!", or something equally helpful.

So the other night, I decided to just sit with her and go slack-jawed watching TV with her instead. The result was amazing.

She began to talk to me. Really talk to me. She is anxious about our money given the state of the economy and what she hears on the news (we're actually doing okay). She wonders if we will be able to making the big, necessary purchases coming up (we will). She eventually drifted off to sleep, and I went back to the office.

What's so amazing about that? Through all her griping and screaming, her real desire was being drowned out: all she ever wanted was to to talk to me; to have me reassure her and let her know that I had a confident view of what we need to do as a family.

So why did she not just ask me for what she wanted? Men have pondered this for generations, and there is only one answer: insecurity. To come to me and ask to speak to me would somehow debase her, sublimate her. What if I said no? Who am I to deny her? Husbands and wives are equals. She shouldn't have to ask. I should just know. And this is something wives have struggled with for generations.

To the women reading this, don't be afraid to ask for these things. He is, after all, just another human being. He deserves the same respect you would give anyone else. If your family is like ours, your husband is wrestling with the responsibility of supporting an entire family. You may not understand his priorities, but he does have them. Don't be afraid to boost him up. My wife once told me that she rarely complimented me because she did not want me to "get a big head". Why? I suppose she thought it would elevate me above her in the marriage. But marriage is not a battle to see who is better; it is a relationship and you are a team. Boost him up, and he will work even harder for you.

And husbands, listen to your wives, not just what they say but also what they don't. Just let them talk, and the truth will be revealed.

Sometimes, It's Not So Cute

2008-05-22T16:14:00.002-04:00

A lot of these stories are funny.

This one is not. My wife often lacks the ability to appropriately prioritize things.

I was spending the evening with the kids recently when my wife was working a part-time job. I was trying to help my daughter change into her pajamas when, in the process of trying to escape, she slammed her face into my knee.

She started crying so I picked her up to calm her down. That's when I noticed the blood. I quickly surmised it was coming from her nose so I trotted over to the bathroom, grabbed a wet washcloth, and held her head back while applying some mild pressure.

She calmed down, and I cleaned her face and hands off (she had been instinctively rubbing her nose during this process). Within twenty minutes she was back to normal and playing happily. Both kids went to bed without incident.

When my wife got home later, I started to recount the story.

"...and I looked up and saw the blood on her face, my shirt, her clothes..."

"Whoa", she interrupted, "there's blood on HER NEW OUTFIT?!"

"Well, yes."

She starts to simmer and make exasperated noises.

"Wait, you're not mad at me are you. Are you saying it's my fault that her clothes are stained? Don't you even care how she's doing?", I continued.

"Just shut up.", she replied.

She spent the rest of the evening cleaning the few drops of blood out of our daughter's clothes.

Square Peg, Round DVD

2008-05-19T13:03:00.002-04:00

The other day, I turned on the stereo for the kids to listen to in their playroom. I noticed there was already a disk inserted, so I figured she had already been listening to something.

The player refused to start however. Upon ejecting the disk, I realized she had been attempting to play a DVD in the CD player.

I supposed I could chalk it up to confusion, since we sometimes play CDs on our DVD player, but this particular stereo is about seventeen years old.

Scary Technology

2008-05-19T12:57:00.002-04:00

Recently, my wife and I stopped off at the grocery to pick up a few things. She was just picking some stuff up for herself, and I was tagging along.

As we approached the checkouts, she breezed past several of the kiosks where you can check yourself out, and chose to wait in line elsewhere, even though she only had a few items.

"Why don't you just go to one of the self-checkout things?", I asked her.

"Those things scare me.", she replied.

I could understand this if we were in our eighties, but we are quite a bit younger.

Missing the Onramp to the Information Superhighway

2008-04-10T10:48:00.002-04:00

I've spoken before about my wife's fear of computers and technology in general. Specifically, anything designed in the last twenty years is like kryptonite to her. So our conversation last night surprised me.

She has managed to somehow join a social networking site (ala. Facebook or MySpace) run by her college sorority.

"Could you put some pictures on my site?", she asked casually.

"Huh?"

"Could you put some pictures on my site?", she repeated.
"A lot of my friends have pictures of their kids and stuff on their sites, so I want to put some on mine."

"I can help you get started, but you will have to do it.", I replied.

"Why, can't you get to all my stuff on the computer?".

This is a persistent misconception. She has her own account on our computer, and she is convinced that I have unfettered access to everything she has or does. I have told her repeatedly that if I wanted to I could, but I do not, in fact, know her password, so I cannot get into her e-mail or anything else. Furthermore, I explained, I do not have access to her site.

She sighed disappointedly. You just can't have it both ways.

Why Can't We All Just Get Along

2008-02-28T12:18:00.003-05:00

I actually have it pretty good. My wife and I do not fight about a lot of things. We agree on budgeting, how to raise the kids, religion, politics, etc. But there is one thing we do not see eye to eye on.

Time.

More to the point, my wife has a distorted view of it, especially how I spend mine. Basically, if she does not understand what I am doing, or has no interest in it, it must be a waste of time.Here is my typical day:

5:30 AM - 6:00 AM - Wake up, shower, get dressed.
6:00 AM - 6:30 AM - Eat breakfast, read the news, check e-mail, etc.
6:30 AM - 6:45 AM - Brush teeth, comb hair, etc.
6:45 AM - 7:00 AM - Pack up, leave for work.
7:10 AM - Noon - Work (talk to customers, meet with coworkers, write reports).
Noon - 12:30 PM - Lunch (soup at desk).
12:30 PM - 5:00 PM - Work (see above).
5:00 PM - Leave work.
5:20 PM - Arrive home.
5:30 PM - 7:00 PM - Prepare, serve, and clean up dinner for everyone.
7:30 PM - 8:15 PM - Put children to bed.
8:15 PM - 9:00 PM - Help wife with whatever she needs, unless she just wants to watch TV.
9:00 PM - 11:00 PM - My only free time during the day. Work on home improvements, watch TV, browse web, play a game on the computer (rare).

Pretty normal, right? Here is how my wife, the stay-at-home mom, perceives my day:

4:30 AM - 6:00 AM - Wakes up, showers, gets dressed very loudly.
6:00 AM - 7:00 AM - Plays on computer.
7:00 AM - Abandons the family. Wakes up children on the way out. Leaves garage door open to tempt serial killers.
7:30 AM - 5:30 PM - Arrives at "work". Plays on computer, chats with friends, eats at expensive restaurants, goes shopping, plays on computer, watches movies, naps, plays on computer.
5:30 PM - 6:15 PM - Overwhelmed with guilt, decides to return to family. And his computer.
6:15 PM - 7:30 PM - Grudgingly feeds something to children. Otherwise ignores them and watches news, wishing there were a computer in the kitchen to play on.
7:30 PM - 7:40 PM - While playing on the computer, yells at children until they are too frightened to leave their rooms.
7:40 PM - 1:00 AM - Plays on computer. Listens to the gentle sound of the house falling apart.

Based on the above, can you guess what we argue about the most?

Suffering From Withdrawal

2008-02-21T07:39:00.003-05:00

One of the greatest inventions of modern society is direct deposit. I have used this in just about every job I have had. For part-time jobs that didn't have it as an option, it was a huge annoyance to have to deposit my paycheck manually.

For my wife, it eats into her life.

My wife still works the odd babysitting job because she is convinced we need every extra penny possible. She is also convinced that she must go to a teller to deposit her checks. This causes no end of turmoil.

It's Friday. I'm just coming home from work.

"I have to run to the bank before they close!", she will blurt out.

"Why?", I'll ask. I know why.

"I have to deposit my checks!"

"So? Just deposit it at the ATM.", I reply.

"But I need some cash back!" She's getting nervous. The clock is ticking.

"So? Just withdraw some from your account at the same time.", I calmly reply.

"No! I can't do it that way. It's my OCD!", she admits. I don't know that she has ever been diagnosed with OCD. That is just what she calls this behavior.

This is what annoys me the most. She has occasional moments of clarity. She knows that she does things that don't make sense, but she refuses to address it most of the time.

Can't Make The Connection

2008-02-13T10:11:00.002-05:00

A recent storm finally took its toll on one of the older trees in our backyard. One of the larger limbs broke off one morning and knocked out our cable and phone lines.

My wife called me later in the day fuming.

"What is wrong with this #&%@#! computer!"

"What's the problem?", I replied.

"I can't check my @#$%! e-mail!", she continued to scream.

"We have no phone service right now.", I calmly stated.

"So?!" she shot back.

"That's how we get the internet.", I finally said.

"Oh."

Piece of (Cup)Cake

2008-01-09T12:06:00.000-05:00

My son recently had a birthday, so my wife decided to get this really cool cake of cup cakes. Basically, the bakery takes a bunch of cup cakes, arranges them together, and decorates it like a sheet cake. The one my wife picked out had this neat, and somewhat elaborate, toy placed on top as part of the decoration.

So far so good.

She asked if I could pick up the cake on the way home from work. When the lady behind the counter handed me the cake, she also handed me the toy, disassembled, in a plastic bag.

"You'll have to put the decoration together yourself, since it is too big to fit on the cake with the cover on.", she said.

"No problem!", I replied.

When I got home, I explained this to my wife.

She. Freaked. Out.

"What?! I don't know how to put it together!"

I opened up the bag and looked at the parts. There were four pieces.

"Is there a picture?! Are there instructions?!"

There weren't instructions, but the way the pieces were shaped made it fairly obvious how it all fit together.

"Did you see what it looked like?! I don't remember! You need to go back up there and have them put that together and hurry! I don't know how long they're open tonight!"

"Got it.", I finally said.

She stopped her tirade and stared at me. "How did you know how to put it together?"

"I just...did. I just, you know, looked at it and figured it out."

"No, I don't know.", she replied.

Story of her life.

I'm not alone

2007-12-28T12:26:00.001-05:00

Just a quick one, but not from my wife.

The other day, my brother's wife (who has a bachelor's degree in business) asked me if she would need a passport to go to Hawaii.

A Loin By Any Other Name

2007-11-06T14:44:00.000-05:00

I have mentioned before that I do all our cooking. Naturally, I also do most of the grocery shopping. When our schedules do not allow for this, she goes. Lucky for me, she had some time to go today.

That's when it started.

She has called me called me three times today within ten minutes with various food questions. But this one was my favorite.

M: Me, trying to work.
W: The wife, checking out the tenderloins.

W: "So what's the difference between these two? This one is called 'Beef Filet' and the other one is called 'Pork Tenderloin'."
M: "One is beef and the other one is pork."
W: "Oh."

A Sink is a Sink. Ya Think?

2007-10-22T07:15:00.000-04:00

My wife loves working on our house. Check that. My wife loves it when I work on the house. She doesn't quite understand all the planning involved with this.

She decided one day that she wanted to replace the sink in one of our bathrooms. So she went out, found one she liked, bought it, and brought it home.

"What is this?", I asked.

"A sink for the bathroom. I was sick of looking at the one in there." (I agreed. It needed replacing.)

"How did you know what size to get?", I asked.

"What?"

"How did you know what size to get?", I repeated. "Sinks come in different sizes. We need a smaller one than usual since the cabinet is kind of small."

"Oh." This is the sound she makes when the light goes on in her head.

As I figured, the sink she bought was too big, so she had to take it back. I also had to stop the other work I was doing to go with her and find the right size.

Whatever You Want Is Fine...Unless It's Not

2007-08-09T06:02:00.000-04:00

Me: " So, what would like for dinner tomorrow night? Grilled steaks or spaghetti and meat sauce?"

I usually have to ask my wife this since she is a very picky eater, whereas I will eat just about anything.

Her: "Why do you need to know now?"
Me: "So I can take the right meat out of the freezer to thaw."
Her: "Oh. What ever you want is fine."
Me: "Okay! Steaks it is."
Her: "Oh. Really? What about spaghetti?"

Mine Eyes Have Seen the Stupidity

2007-07-24T07:54:00.000-04:00

I wrote a previous entry about the fact that my wife refuses to wear her glasses except when she is driving or watching TV. This forces to constantly search for them since she just sets them down when they become uncomfortable.

It finally happened. She lost them for good. We had gone out one day, and she did not realize they were missing until we got home.

We returned to the same place the following week. She actually wanted to patrol the parking lot and look for them. Obviously, we did not find them.

She has finally decided she needs new glasses. She asked me a question I did not expect.

"What do I do?"

"What do you mean?", I replied.

"How do I get new glasses?"

"Well, just call an eye doctor, make an appointment, get the new prescription, and then take it to LensCrafters or something."

"How do I do that?", she still asked.

My head began to hurt at this point. "Do what?", I said.

"Make an appointment." she said, matter-of-factly.

"Wha...How have you gotten glasses in the past? How did you see an eye doctor?"

"My mom made the appointment."

I remember when she got her last pair of glasses; it was about ten years ago. We were still dating, and she was well out of college. Yet she needed her mom to do it for her. What is even more bizarre is that she can make appointments for other things like doctor and dentist visits just fine.

Incidentally, she has needed a new prescription for a while, even before she lost her glasses. The only reason she has refused to go is because she doesn't like it when they perform the glaucoma test and puff air into her eyes.

Get a Leg Up

2007-07-06T12:50:00.000-04:00

"Help!", she screamed. This could only mean that once again she had gotten herself into some inescapable predicament.

I tracked her voice to the top of our basement stairs where I was greeted not by my wife, but the bottom of a folding card table with all its legs extended.

We were preparing for a little Independence Day party and needed to bring some things up from the basement. Like the table.

She was leaning backwards trying not to fall while simultaneously keeping the table legs from scratching our newly painted basement walls. She found out too late that the table would not fit through the door to the first floor without folding the legs and was trying valiantly to wrestle it through.

As she held the table and I folded the legs down, I asked her why she just didn't fold the legs up first.

"That's too much work!", she barked.

High & Tighty

2007-06-21T11:23:00.000-04:00

In the summer I like to get my hair cut fairly short. I told my wife this as I was leaving for the barber recently.

She jokingly meant to ask me if I was going to get a "high and tight" ala the U.S. Marines, but actually said "tighty-whitey" ala the underwear.

When It Rains, It Pours

2007-06-19T13:24:00.000-04:00

Much of the country is experiencing semi-drought conditions right now, so I have been watering my lawn in the evenings like most of my neighbors.

Our sprinkler is rather flimsy, but it does the job. It can really put out a lot of water, but I have to place a brick on its base to keep it from flying all over the yard. Once it is secure, I can adjust the strength of the sprinkler with one knob and the pattern with another.

Here is why this information is important. The other night, my wife decided to "help" me.

I had just gotten it adjusted to spray those portions of the front yard that were particularly dry. But my wife was not satisfied with this. She thought that we needed to make it weaker since it was spraying the driveway somewhat and tried turning the spigot on the side of the house lower. I told her that it was fully open and that I could adjust it at the sprinkler.

"No, you can't", she replied. Turn. Turn. Turn.
"Yes, I can! Look." She didn't look. Turn. Turn. Turn. The other way.
"That's for the pattern!" Turn. Turn. Turn. Back again.

I motioned her over finally and reminded her of the little throttle on the side. I even demonstrated it for her.

"Oh", she replied finally.

At this point, she thought we weren't properly covering the lawn, so she went back up to the house and began pulling on the hose to move it closer to the house. Before I could tell her to stop, she pulled the sprinkler out from under the brick. The sprinkler promptly fell on its side and started thrashing about, spraying me in the process before I stomped it down with my foot.

The look on my face must have spoken volumes, because all she said was, "Do you just want to go in the house now?"

I did. I really did.

Burn, Baby Burn

2007-01-30T19:55:00.000-05:00

"Help!", she called from the laundry room.

I rushed down the stairs as she called out, "Do you smell smoke?"

I did not, thankfully, and began to wonder what laundry mishap she found herself in this time.

She had once again chosen to ignore the care instructions emblazonened on an item. This time it was the cover for one of the kid's car seats. As I pulled it from the dryer, I noticed that one end was lightly singed, the opposite fairly damp. Underneath the burnt end, the plastic cushioning had begun to melt and congeal. Ironically, the giant care label was still hot to the touch.

I asked her why it was in the dryer when the instructions clearly say that it should drip dry.

"Oh, I don't have time for that."

Fortunately, I was still able to wrestle the cover back on the seat.

On the Road Again...

2007-01-30T19:52:00.000-05:00

I got home from work one day at the usual time, and I noticed that my wife was just getting home herself. This is not unusual, but I know that she had left my parent's house about two hours earlier, and it is normally only a thirty minute trip.

I asked why she was so late. She sheepishly replied that she had done something dumb.

First, I need to provide some background. We live in a fairly large city, while my parents live in a smaller town several miles away. They are connected directly by a major interstate. There are lots of signs in both directions stating the distance to either.

She had left my parent's house and gone the wrong direction on the interstate.

For a half-hour.

All the way to our state capitol.

"Didn't you get concerned when you saw signs for the capitol and not our city?", I asked her.

"A little. But I didn't know what else to do.", she replied.

The Straight Poop

2006-09-26T15:47:00.000-04:00

Just another typical day at the office...

Me: (type-type-type, click-click-click)
Cellphone: Ring!
Me: Hello.
Wife: Um, can you look something on the internet for me?

First off, she does this frequently, as the only website she knows how to access is Hotmail. As I've mentioned in earlier posts, I have given up trying to teach her to do it herself.

Me: (sigh) Sure. What do you want to know about?
Wife: Um, chronic diarrhea?

Somebody please shoot me.

God helps those who helps themselves

2006-09-18T11:53:00.000-04:00

This conversation happened this morning and is pretty typical. We were both getting ready for work.

Her: (Doing her hair, cat is bugging her) Could you check to see if the cat has food and water?
Me: (Shaving) Sure!

Five minutes later...

Me: (getting dressed)
Her: (Still doing hair, cat still bugging her) HAVE YOU CHECKED ON THE CAT YET?!?!?
Me: No.
Her: (stomping off) UGH! I'LL JUST DO IT MYSELF.

She will frequently ask me to do these types of small tasks thinking it will save her time and energy. She does not realize, however, that I am usually doing something else and these things go to the bottom of my list. She is just too overwhelmed by everything she has to do (i.e. how can I do my hair AND feed the cat at the same time), that she sees no other choice than delegation. It bothers me because it is if she assumes her time is more valuable than mine (and the cat is hers).I am trying to teach her that the following would work much better.

Her: (Doing her hair, cat is bugging her) Hmm, I better go see if the cat needs food and water. He seems really anxious, and it will only take a minute.

As long as I am around to save her, though, it will never happen.

This Old House...Will Never Be Finished

2006-09-11T22:01:00.000-04:00

Some time ago, I took on a major undertaking. I was going to finish my basement.

It has taken far longer than I anticipated, however. I am almost always interuppted by my wife's cries for help (see my post about lawn mowing for an example).

She cannot seem to make a connection, even though I make the greatest progress when she either leaves me alone or takes the kids somewhere. Invariably, she will call me away from my hammering and splackling to help her in some greater endevour, such as hanging a picture on the wall or killing a bug.

I cannot express enough how her helplessness hinders us all. Whenever I go out of town for work, she immediately starts lining up friends and family to come over and help. She needs to be hand-held through every, little thing. Any failure on my part to provide complete and total assistance results in her calling me lazy.

So I have to roll my eyes whenever the following happens.

Almost every night, after everyone goes to bed, I retreat to my half-finished basement for solace. It is a place only a man (or our little boy) could love. I will lift weights, tinker with an old computer, or just watch sports on an old TV.

But every few weeks, my wife will venture down there and ask me why I am doing these things and not working on getting it completely finished.

I then gently inform her:

1. We got the kids to bed at 9:00 PM.
2. It is now 10:00 PM.
3. I go to bed at 11:00 PM. There is, therefore, not enough time to do anything productive.
4. I need to nail studs into the floor and the walls. This requires the use of an extremely loud nail gun.
5. Did I mention that is 10:00 PM?
6. I also need to sand the unfinshed drywall. This is extremely dusty and requires extensive clean up when finished.
7. 10:00 PM.

Before I get any backlash for my apparent laziness, please recall that at this point in the evening, my wife has been lying in bed for an hour. The kitchen is clean, but that was done by me.

But in her view, my relaxing in the basement is worse than her sleeping. It is somehow anti-work.

I promise to get it finished one day. When the kids are in college, most likely.

Feel it hot, hot, hot.

2006-08-09T08:11:00.000-04:00

As a reminder, I do all the cooking. Like most men, I really enjoy grilling out, and this summer I have whipped up barbecued chicken, pork chops, hot dogs, burgers, you name it. My favorite, however, has to be a nice, juicy steak. I make sure to marinate them and really watch them closely.

Despite all the grilling I have done, my wife is deathly afraid of food poisoning from undercooked food. I am a bit anal about this myself, so I use a meat thermometer to check before I take stuff off the grill. Nevertheless, my wife always asks me to cook her steak/chicken/chop longer than mine, just to make sure.

What happens, of course is I get a nice, juicy steak with just a little red in the middle, and she gets a hockey puck. She will also then complain that it is too dry.

Did I mention that she will also usually put her food in the microwave for an extra minute after I serve it? Just to make sure.

Somebody Save Me!

2006-07-25T10:04:00.000-04:00

I have mentioned before how quickly my wife can become overwhelmed by common stressful situations. This is her way of referring to it. A more truthful analysis is that her neurons are not firing quickly enough figure out the proper solution. Cooking is one example of this.

This really had my eyes rolling. Once, when my daughter was an infant, she became inconsolable. No matter what my wife did, she could not get her to stop crying. She simply couldn't take it any more and the anxiety was getting to her. So she did what she normally does in these situations: she came to me for help. Normally I expect this, but this time I couldn't believe her.

I had just finished mowing the grass in the middle of summer. I was hot, sweaty, grimy and covered with grass. She blocked all this out and brought my daughter outside so I could hold her. I explained to her how inane her request was. She got very ticked off, but mostly because she realized how much sense I was making and that she would have to continue dealing with our daughter.

I did go in, get cleaned up and rescue her from the screaming baby, though.

The grass is always greener...when I get to take care of it.

2006-07-21T07:57:00.000-04:00

Like most husbands, I am responsible for the care and feeding of our lawn, though my wife and I occasionally butt heads on the best method to do so.

When we first bought our house, the lawn was in bad shape, as the previous owners were older and did not have the energy to maintain it. To get it back into shape, we started subscribing to a lawn care service. Not only did the grass improve, it is now a bit out of control. I have to mow it once a week to keep it looking nice. I also trim around the house and other parts of the landscaping.

After I finished my regimen the other day, my wife made a comment to the effect that I had not done a thorough enough job and that the grass was too long. She is quite a bit more meticulous when it comes to outward appearances, so the first part was not expected. What bugged me was the comment about the length of the grass.

We have had this discussion on more that one occasion. For the weather and soil in our area, it is recommended that one mow their grass at the highest setting to maintain the healthiest lawn. I reminded her of this again that this tidbit of knowledge comes not from me but from:

1. The lawn care service
2. Our aging neighbor with the immaculate lawn
3. Her parents

My opinion is usually worthless to her, since she usually assumes I am lying to her. But once she realized that someone other than me (specifically her co-dependent parents) had said it, she dropped the issue, albeit reluctantly.

She was determined, however, and went outside to trim on her own. We have an electric weed trimmer, and in all my use of it, I have never discharged the battery completely. She came back in some time later stating that the trimmer no longer worked. She had used it so long and so meticulously that she had indeed run it down. She had also trimmed the grass in places to near golf course fairway length. I reminded her of the discussion we had, but she stated that she wanted it to look neat. This included grass I planted to cover some small bare spots.

Fast forward a week. I was mowing the lawn the following week. Most of it looks great.

Except for where she trimmed. These areas are either dead or choked with weeds.

How does the lawn look now, sweetheart?

Computers Scare Her

2006-07-19T08:03:00.000-04:00

Again, thank you for all the comments. Your support lifts a significant weight off my shoulders.

Let me first reassure everyone: If you are reading this, I can guarantee that I am not your husband. I know this because my wife is afraid of computers at best and thinks they are the spawn of Satan at worst.

She claims it is the result of a supposedly traumatic computer class she was forced to endure as a child. Fast forward to today, and you will see that her only interaction with them is via a Hotmail account I set up for her many years ago. She can only open it because I placed a "Hotmail" shortcut on the desktop in the middle of the screen. For the record, here is a list of things involving computers that confound her:

1. Opening attachments

Hotmail's procedure for this involves just following a couple of "click here" links. She is never sure if that is what she is supposed to do.

2. Forwarding e-mails

She asks me how. Every. Single. Time.

3. Opening a document

Me - "I placed the file right on the desktop next to the Hotmail icon. Just double-click on it, and the document will open."

Her - "I don't understand."

4. Surfing the web

When she wants to know our bank balance. I have to log on and show her. Every. Single. Time.
Yes, I have the site bookmarked. Yes, she knows the password (or at least I told her. She has probably long since forgotten). She has managed to click on links in her e-mail, so maybe there is hope.

5. Anything. Just...anything.

Plus, everything I'm doing must be a "game". Checking our investments? Game. Reading the news? Game. Editing videos of the kids? Game.

Of course she never sees me edit this blog. ;)

Shoo Fly, Don't Bother Me

2006-07-17T08:23:00.000-04:00

I mentioned in a previous post how my wife is a bit paranoid about our finances. One way she attempts to save us money is keeping the thermostat set so high in the summer, that the air conditioning never turns on. This is fine to a point, but the house can get quite stifling in the afternoon heat.

To combat this, my wife frequently likes to "air out" the house. She cannot do this by opening windows, however, as she is not strong enough to push them up. Instead, she frequently just opens the front door.

Again, this is not necessarily stupid, but we do not have a screen door, so bugs immediately start flying into the house. She always complains about this as if the two events were not connected. Of course, the insects in the house aren't really her problem. Like most husbands, I have been tasked with killing them.

This leads to the next demonstration of stupidity. I also mentioned previously that I do all the cooking because of my wife's inability to concentrate or multi-task. The other night I cooked a pasta dish and announced dinner was ready. I was able to quickly feed myself and the kids, but my wife, who finds it difficult to focus, kept getting distracted by one task or another and could not make her way to the kitchen.

By the time she got there, she complained that the aforementioned flies were landing on her food. She then asked if I would stand there and wave them away, since she could still not bring herself to sit down and eat. I told her that it was impossible for me to stand guard over her food and get anything else done. And by that I mean killing all the flies that got in the house.

She has since agreed to stopped ventilating the house via the front door.

You found me & Mo' Money

2006-07-11T17:30:00.000-04:00

First off, welcome to those coming from True Husband Confessions. It seems my little secret is out of the bag. Thank you for the kind comments. I felt for sure as soon as people saw the things I said about my wife, that there would be a call for my lynching. Thanks for noticing that I really do love her. She just makes me crazy sometimes (but then, don't you all?).

On to the entry:

I have only stated that I am an "educated professional". Suffice it to say I have a well paying job. Far from being in debt, my wife and I have quite a bit of money invested. We made a lot of the right choices early in life and always save money here and there.

When I say "we", of course, I mean that I chose to invest my money and manage it myself. Prior to our marriage, my wife's parents handled all her finances. She was very nervous combining our savings, partially because it meant passing the mantle of responsibility to me, and partially because she had no clue how much she had or what to do with it. I, on the other hand, had no problem with it. What's mine is hers forever. With this in mind, here are two little gems:

- As a wedding present, my parents gave us a large some of money. I immediately began to research where to put the money for the short term, as we were looking to buy a house soon. Should I put it in savings, buy a six-month CD, or what? She got very nervous about what I was doing and said, "Hold on, it's our money! We should both be involved!"

"You are absolutely right.", I said. "What would you like to do with the money."

Silence. Then...

"Umm, invest it?" she asked.

Sigh. (In case you are curious, I found a high-yield money market. And we love the house.)

- Though we are doing well financially, my wife always feels I should make just a little more money. She frequently tells me to ask for raises that would get me laughed out of my boss's office. But my favorite is when she suggests that I get a part time job. I always have to gently remind her that this would require me to be away from home more often, something that causes her no end of grief. Once she realizes what would be required of her in my absence, she quickly recants her request. But she always brings it up again a few months later.

And how often am I away from home normally? 7:30 AM to 5:30 PM. Every weekday.

I'm OK if You're OK

2006-06-28T14:33:00.000-04:00

My wife has an annoying habit of correcting me when I speak to people on the phone. I usually tune her out, but one instance was particularly annoying.

Someone called me and used the standard greeting , "How's it going ?"

I answered with my standard response of "Pretty well" and went on with the rest of the conversation.

My wife immediately piped up, "You're not doing pretty well! You're allergies are terrible! You've been stopped up and sniffling for days!"

After the call, I had to gently instruct her that we were using polite greetings, and no one really cares about the state of my sinuses.

I just called to say duuuuh.

2006-04-26T16:34:00.000-04:00

My wife just called to tell me she could not find her cell phone. She wanted to know if I could call the number so she could hear it ring.

Then she realized that she could just call the number herself.

I was blind..

2006-04-24T17:08:00.000-04:00

My wife and I both wear glasses, but she hates wearing hers. Nevertheless, she needs them to drive and see any distance greater than six feet.

Despite this, she can never find them. If she tires of wearing them, she just sets them down on the nearest spot. I have helped her find them after leaving them on her desk, the kitchen counter, the coffee table, her car, her purse, etc.

She refuses to follow my suggestion for keeping track of them: Keep them on your face.

My wife knows better than you do.

2006-04-17T11:56:00.000-04:00

- The dome light in my wife's car has a delay so that once you close the door, it will stay on for about ten seconds. This is supposed to give you enough time to put the keys in the ignition, buckle your seatbelt, etc. She doesn't like this, because she thinks the light will stay on after after she exits the vehicle, even though it always turns off after that delay. She has thus chosen to just turn the light off completely so that when you open the door, the light stays off. I always put it back to where it belongs when I happen to drive her car, but she always turns it off again later.

- I walked into our home office (where we also keep the ironing board) the other day as my wife was walking out. There was a strange smell in the air. "What's that burning?", I asked her. She winced and said, "Oh, can you smell it, too? I was ironing this shirt, but it says 'Do not iron' on the label".

"Why on earth would you iron something that specifically says not to?", I asked.

"It was wrinkly", she replied.

What was this garment that she just had to iron? One of our son's t-shirts.

Quickies

2006-04-04T07:46:00.000-04:00

- My wife loves her drinks ice cold, so she puts them in the freezer to cool them fast. Unfortunately, she forgets she put them in there. Her water bottles will freeze completely, so she can't drink them. But the worst is when she puts cans of soda in. They actually explode, spraying frozen syrup inside the freezer. She still does this repeatedly, because she just has to have those cold drinks.

- I do all the cooking in our house. My wife claims she becomes "overwhelmed" by cooking. She uses this word whenever she is required to do something that requires concentration or multi-tasking. Sometimes I will come home from work and not feel like cooking. My wife balks at this since she claims that she was not able to eat all day because she was watching our children. This is idiotic, because if she were truly hungry, she would just eat when they do (this is what I do on weekends). Last night I did not fix dinner since we had a lot of leftovers: chicken, spaghetti and meat sauce, lots of vegetables, fruit, etc. She would only have needed to heat something up in the microwave. So what does my starving wife choose to have for dinner? A single cup of yogurt.

- Our garbage disposal is in need of repair. It makes unholy noises when it is run. In the meantime, I have asked my wife to scrape food into the trash. This happens frequently since both she and my son often do not finish everything on their plates. Back to the "overwhelmed" issue, she will often just put dirty plates, food and all, into the sink with the purpose of dealing with it later. As she rinses other things off during the day, the food will invariably fall off the dirty plates and go down the drain. The drain will then back up. She will then sheepishly admit that she "accidentally" put food down the drain. Again. She also lets other things fall down there, too, like spoons, small glasses, etc.

- After recent and frequent power outages, I bought several bags of ice to keep our food cold. Once power was restored, we obviously did not need the ice as much, and my wife needed some room in the freezer. She called and asked what she should do with it. I had thought ahead and not made any ice recently, so I suggested she empty one bag into the rather large ice tray inside the freezer. For some unknown reason, she could not open the bag and dump it in the tray. Without calling me, she simply gave up and put the bag in refrigerator, where it proceeded to (slowly) melt, and drench most of the food (she had placed it on the top shelf of the fridge).

I still have plenty more.

Introduction

2006-03-20T07:48:00.000-05:00

I have a secret. I have never told this to anyone.

My wife is an idiot.

I am not saying this in jest. She is, quite literally, the dumbest person I know. Don't misunderstand; I love her very much. She is a wonderful mother. She has a degree in teaching and has an unbelievable talent and patience with children.

But there is a vacancy about her. She seems to lack a basic understanding of the adult world, which is why I think she went into teaching and preschool eduation specifically. Theirs is a simple world of right and wrong, black and white. My wife is befuddled by complexity and nuance.

This is troubling for me. I am her opposite, and I love to read about, explore and discuss complex issues like religion, politics, and history.

My wife mostly likes to gossip.

Here are some examples of her thoughts and opinions:

Religion - She is convinced, even after multiple discussions, that Jesus of Nazareth was not Jewish. (We are Protestants and attend church quite regularly.)

Politics - When Bob Dole was running for president in 1996, one of his platforms was to eliminate the federal Department of Education. I understood it to mean that states and local districts would be responsible for their own funding and curriculum. She thought it meant that there would be no more teachers, and she would lose her job.

History - I don't even try to discuss history with her. She just sort of stares at me.

I know this makes me seem like an elitist and a snob. I am neither. While my wife grew up the daughter of a college professor, I grew up in a working class family. I paid for college using the G.I. Bill. Much has been said that members of the military only join as a last result, since they could not find a job or get into college. The truth is that some of the smartest and most highly skilled people I have ever met were in the military, and they could run mental rings around my wife.

I have met plenty of "good old boys" who think they are dumb in the ways of the world, but they possess a common sense and know-how that is more impressive than any college degree. I speak of men who can reassemble car engines and perform complex repair work effortlessly. With these men, I can speak easily and have much in common.

My wife possesses no such skill. There is little common ground on which we can meet. She lacks the inherent ability connect her thoughts as well as those of others. She gets confused easily. She can't even cook meals in our house, because managing more than one pot at once overwhelms her.

I have many more examples. I need to speak of this for my own sanity. If you think I am jerk for saying these things, I understand. But please continue to read and try to understand.