Laundry Mishaps

I've explained before how my wife is directionally challenged. This is on takes the cake.

My wife had the occasion to have to go to a laundromat to wash one of our large comforters. I found her a laundromat fairly close to the house that i knew she could reach easily.

Or so I thought.

Me: "Okay, I found a laundromat. Do you know where the Uptown Cafe is? The laundry is in the same shopping center. It's called Roundabout Cleaners." (It's just a couple of miles from our house)

Her: "Yep!"

Without much fanfare, or directions, she left. Some time later, I get the phone call I knew was coming.

Her: "Where is this place? What's it called?

Me: "Roundabout Cleaners. Where are you?"

Her: "I'm on Swan Creek Road!"

Me: "Um, why? That's no where near the Uptown Cafe."

Her: "I thought you said Swan Creek Cafe!"

This was a quick lie by her. What really happened, I think, is that she had just been to that part of town the previous day. Muscle memory took over and she drove there without thinking.

Her: "How do I get to the laundry?!"

She can get to places from our house, but has trouble connecting one to the other directly. So I stayed on the phone with her, guiding her to her destination, turn by turn. Once she found it, we hung up.

Five minutes later, the phone rang again.

Her: "I forgot my laundry detergent."

My Wife the Goldfish

My wife will excuse some her apparent stupidity on self-diagnosed ADHD. In short, she gets distracted very easily and can't track well in a normal conversation. Even one she started.

Her on the phone with me: "Okay, I'm leaving to pick the kids up and take them to the park."
Me: "Okay. How long are you going to be there?"
Her: "Up where?"
Me: "The park. How long are you going to be at the park?"
Her: "Oh! I don't know."
Me: "I was just thinking I could meet you there after I get off work."
Her: "Meet us? Meet us where? Just come home; I'm not taking the kids back out after we get home."
Me: "I. Know. I mean I could meet you guys at the park if you were still there when I get off work."
Her: "Oh."

Duuuuh...Which way did he go?

I recently joined a gym so I could go running regardless of the time of day. I usually run in our neighborhood, but it's dangerous after dark, since we have very few street lights. Now I run at the gym exclusively.

One evening, as it was getting dark, I was dressed in my gym clothes and said to my wife, "Do you mind if I go running?"

She said no, but perhaps I should have been more clear.

At around 9:30 PM, I had just finished a four mile run when my phone rang. It was her.

Me: "Hey! What's up?

Her: "OH MY GOD! WHERE ARE YOU?!"

Me: "I'm at the gym. I just finished my run."

Her: "OH MY GOD! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! I ALMOST CALLED 911!"

Me: "I told you I was going running. Remember?"

Her: "I THOUGHT YOU WERE RUNNING OUTSIDE, AND IT WAS DARK, AND YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR AN HOUR! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!"

Me: "But I never run outside at night. You know that. That's why I joined the gym."

Her: "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!"

I make sure to tell her exactly where I am now.

Me-PS Part 2

I have mentioned at length in other posts that my wife becomes incredibly frazzled behind the wheel of a car. This is especially true at highway speeds.

We live in the suburbs of a major metropolitan area. My wife recently had to drive downtown, and naturally, she came to me for help.

Her: "Okay, how do I get downtown?"

Me: "The same way as always. Take I-XX west into downtown."

Her: "I thought that was closed?"

She was correct, to a point. Part of a major interstate is temporarily closed where we live for major road work. Through traffic is routed around the closure, but one can still access the downtown area since the closure is on the opposite side of the city from us. I explained this to her, just as I have every single time she has to go downtown.

Her: "Are you sure?"

Me: "Positive. I go that way all the time."

Her: "Okaaay."

Ten minutes later, she calls me from the road.

Her: "I missed the exit onto I-XX west. The sign said the road was closed."

Me: "Did the sign say the road was closed past downtown?"

Her: "Yes."

Me: "Then it was okay to go that way. Just like we discussed."

Her: "Oh. So what do I do now?"

We spent the next twenty minutes on the phone as I guided her, turn by turn, to her destination.

Lots of gift, but math's not one of them.

My wife recently got a gift card from someone, and she asked me to look up the balance online.

Me: "It was ten dollars."

Her: "Cool! I have another one for the same store for $20, so that's like 35 bucks!"

Me: "Thirty."

Her: "Oh. Right."

Hello. What?

My phone rings. It's her. As usual.

Me: "Hello?"

Her: "Oh, hey. I forgot why I called you. Let me call you back." Click.

She never called back.

The Education Train Stops Here

My wife and I both acknowledged when we had children that they would reach a point in their education where my wife would no longer be able help them with their homework. It would seem we have reached that point with our oldest child.

My wife is frequently baffled by his homework, and she must ask me whether he is doing it correctly, even while he is explaining it to her.

Our oldest child is in the second grade.

Don't Do Dish; Do That

My wife and I go through this little dance every couple of months.

Since I stay up later and get up earlier than she, I will usually load and run the dishwasher before I go to bed. How it gets unloaded is another story.

Her: "Thanks for running the dishwasher, but can you put the dishes away before you leave in the morning. It would save me a lot of time trying to get get the kids ready."

Me: "Sure, but I thought you said the noise woke the kids up too early?"

Her: "I don't care about that. I just need some help."

A few weeks go by...

Her: "Thanks for putting the dishes away, but just let me do it. The noise woke the kids up way too early, and they were driving me nuts."

Me: "Okay, but I thought you said you were too busy to mess with it?"

Her: "I don't care about that. I just need some time to my self in the morning."

A few more weeks go by...

Her: "Thanks for running the dishwasher, but can you put the dishes away..."

I swear we have gone back forth on this six or seven times just in the last couple of years.