Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The Straight Poop

Just another typical day at the office...

Me: (type-type-type, click-click-click)
Cellphone: Ring!
Me: Hello.
Wife: Um, can you look something on the internet for me?

First off, she does this frequently, as the only website she knows how to access is Hotmail. As I've mentioned in earlier posts, I have given up trying to teach her to do it herself.

Me: (sigh) Sure. What do you want to know about?
Wife: Um, chronic diarrhea?

Somebody please shoot me.

Monday, September 18, 2006

God helps those who helps themselves

This conversation happened this morning and is pretty typical. We were both getting ready for work.

Her: (Doing her hair, cat is bugging her) Could you check to see if the cat has food and water?
Me: (Shaving) Sure!

Five minutes later...

Me: (getting dressed)
Her: (Still doing hair, cat still bugging her) HAVE YOU CHECKED ON THE CAT YET?!?!?
Me: No.
Her: (stomping off) UGH! I'LL JUST DO IT MYSELF.

She will frequently ask me to do these types of small tasks thinking it will save her time and energy. She does not realize, however, that I am usually doing something else and these things go to the bottom of my list. She is just too overwhelmed by everything she has to do (i.e. how can I do my hair AND feed the cat at the same time), that she sees no other choice than delegation. It bothers me because it is if she assumes her time is more valuable than mine (and the cat is hers).I am trying to teach her that the following would work much better.

Her: (Doing her hair, cat is bugging her) Hmm, I better go see if the cat needs food and water. He seems really anxious, and it will only take a minute.

As long as I am around to save her, though, it will never happen.

Monday, September 11, 2006

This Old House...Will Never Be Finished

Some time ago, I took on a major undertaking. I was going to finish my basement.

It has taken far longer than I anticipated, however. I am almost always interuppted by my wife's cries for help (see my post about lawn mowing for an example).

She cannot seem to make a connection, even though I make the greatest progress when she either leaves me alone or takes the kids somewhere. Invariably, she will call me away from my hammering and splackling to help her in some greater endevour, such as hanging a picture on the wall or killing a bug.

I cannot express enough how her helplessness hinders us all. Whenever I go out of town for work, she immediately starts lining up friends and family to come over and help. She needs to be hand-held through every, little thing. Any failure on my part to provide complete and total assistance results in her calling me lazy.

So I have to roll my eyes whenever the following happens.

Almost every night, after everyone goes to bed, I retreat to my half-finished basement for solace. It is a place only a man (or our little boy) could love. I will lift weights, tinker with an old computer, or just watch sports on an old TV.

But every few weeks, my wife will venture down there and ask me why I am doing these things and not working on getting it completely finished.

I then gently inform her:

1. We got the kids to bed at 9:00 PM.
2. It is now 10:00 PM.
3. I go to bed at 11:00 PM. There is, therefore, not enough time to do anything productive.
4. I need to nail studs into the floor and the walls. This requires the use of an extremely loud nail gun.
5. Did I mention that is 10:00 PM?
6. I also need to sand the unfinshed drywall. This is extremely dusty and requires extensive clean up when finished.
7. 10:00 PM.

Before I get any backlash for my apparent laziness, please recall that at this point in the evening, my wife has been lying in bed for an hour. The kitchen is clean, but that was done by me.

But in her view, my relaxing in the basement is worse than her sleeping. It is somehow anti-work.

I promise to get it finished one day. When the kids are in college, most likely.