We have have a small tree in our front yard that we hang ornaments for Christmas. The tree is getting bigger, obviously, so my wife got some more ornaments for it. No problem so far.
When I got home from work one day, she asked whether I could not put those up on the tree as well.
"Not right now.", I said.
"Why not?", she asked indignantly. She immediately assumes any refusal of work on my part is due to laziness.
"Because it's dark out.", I replied.
"So?", still indignant.
"I. Can't. See. The. Branches.", I said.
"Oh."
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Monday, November 03, 2008
I've Got a Secret
My wife wasn't necessarily being an idiot on this one; rather, this is an issue that probably exists in most marriages.
My job allows me the flexibility to work from just about anywhere. I am paid very well for what I do, but there is often a cognitive disconnect for my wife between the lifestyle we enjoy and what I have to do to sustain it.
In particular, she is particularly maddened by the time I spend on the computers. During the evenings, after the children go to bed and everything is buttoned up for the evening, I gravitate toward toward our home office. Sometimes I am working; sometimes I am not. Were you to look in on me, you would be just as likely to see me working on a report for work, or surfing the web. I am able to manage my time with this pretty well. During the same period of time, my wife will either be sleeping or watching TV, but it has always bothered her greatly that I was in there.
She will actually yell at me to "get off the f***ing computer!", to which I will respond "and do what?". Her answer is usually "I don't know!", "Anything!", "Work on something around the house!", or something equally helpful.
So the other night, I decided to just sit with her and go slack-jawed watching TV with her instead. The result was amazing.
She began to talk to me. Really talk to me. She is anxious about our money given the state of the economy and what she hears on the news (we're actually doing okay). She wonders if we will be able to making the big, necessary purchases coming up (we will). She eventually drifted off to sleep, and I went back to the office.
What's so amazing about that? Through all her griping and screaming, her real desire was being drowned out: all she ever wanted was to to talk to me; to have me reassure her and let her know that I had a confident view of what we need to do as a family.
So why did she not just ask me for what she wanted? Men have pondered this for generations, and there is only one answer: insecurity. To come to me and ask to speak to me would somehow debase her, sublimate her. What if I said no? Who am I to deny her? Husbands and wives are equals. She shouldn't have to ask. I should just know. And this is something wives have struggled with for generations.
To the women reading this, don't be afraid to ask for these things. He is, after all, just another human being. He deserves the same respect you would give anyone else. If your family is like ours, your husband is wrestling with the responsibility of supporting an entire family. You may not understand his priorities, but he does have them. Don't be afraid to boost him up. My wife once told me that she rarely complimented me because she did not want me to "get a big head". Why? I suppose she thought it would elevate me above her in the marriage. But marriage is not a battle to see who is better; it is a relationship and you are a team. Boost him up, and he will work even harder for you.
And husbands, listen to your wives, not just what they say but also what they don't. Just let them talk, and the truth will be revealed.
My job allows me the flexibility to work from just about anywhere. I am paid very well for what I do, but there is often a cognitive disconnect for my wife between the lifestyle we enjoy and what I have to do to sustain it.
In particular, she is particularly maddened by the time I spend on the computers. During the evenings, after the children go to bed and everything is buttoned up for the evening, I gravitate toward toward our home office. Sometimes I am working; sometimes I am not. Were you to look in on me, you would be just as likely to see me working on a report for work, or surfing the web. I am able to manage my time with this pretty well. During the same period of time, my wife will either be sleeping or watching TV, but it has always bothered her greatly that I was in there.
She will actually yell at me to "get off the f***ing computer!", to which I will respond "and do what?". Her answer is usually "I don't know!", "Anything!", "Work on something around the house!", or something equally helpful.
So the other night, I decided to just sit with her and go slack-jawed watching TV with her instead. The result was amazing.
She began to talk to me. Really talk to me. She is anxious about our money given the state of the economy and what she hears on the news (we're actually doing okay). She wonders if we will be able to making the big, necessary purchases coming up (we will). She eventually drifted off to sleep, and I went back to the office.
What's so amazing about that? Through all her griping and screaming, her real desire was being drowned out: all she ever wanted was to to talk to me; to have me reassure her and let her know that I had a confident view of what we need to do as a family.
So why did she not just ask me for what she wanted? Men have pondered this for generations, and there is only one answer: insecurity. To come to me and ask to speak to me would somehow debase her, sublimate her. What if I said no? Who am I to deny her? Husbands and wives are equals. She shouldn't have to ask. I should just know. And this is something wives have struggled with for generations.
To the women reading this, don't be afraid to ask for these things. He is, after all, just another human being. He deserves the same respect you would give anyone else. If your family is like ours, your husband is wrestling with the responsibility of supporting an entire family. You may not understand his priorities, but he does have them. Don't be afraid to boost him up. My wife once told me that she rarely complimented me because she did not want me to "get a big head". Why? I suppose she thought it would elevate me above her in the marriage. But marriage is not a battle to see who is better; it is a relationship and you are a team. Boost him up, and he will work even harder for you.
And husbands, listen to your wives, not just what they say but also what they don't. Just let them talk, and the truth will be revealed.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Sometimes, It's Not So Cute
A lot of these stories are funny.
This one is not. My wife often lacks the ability to appropriately prioritize things.
I was spending the evening with the kids recently when my wife was working a part-time job. I was trying to help my daughter change into her pajamas when, in the process of trying to escape, she slammed her face into my knee.
She started crying so I picked her up to calm her down. That's when I noticed the blood. I quickly surmised it was coming from her nose so I trotted over to the bathroom, grabbed a wet washcloth, and held her head back while applying some mild pressure.
She calmed down, and I cleaned her face and hands off (she had been instinctively rubbing her nose during this process). Within twenty minutes she was back to normal and playing happily. Both kids went to bed without incident.
When my wife got home later, I started to recount the story.
"...and I looked up and saw the blood on her face, my shirt, her clothes..."
"Whoa", she interrupted, "there's blood on HER NEW OUTFIT?!"
"Well, yes."
She starts to simmer and make exasperated noises.
"Wait, you're not mad at me are you. Are you saying it's my fault that her clothes are stained? Don't you even care how she's doing?", I continued.
"Just shut up.", she replied.
She spent the rest of the evening cleaning the few drops of blood out of our daughter's clothes.
This one is not. My wife often lacks the ability to appropriately prioritize things.
I was spending the evening with the kids recently when my wife was working a part-time job. I was trying to help my daughter change into her pajamas when, in the process of trying to escape, she slammed her face into my knee.
She started crying so I picked her up to calm her down. That's when I noticed the blood. I quickly surmised it was coming from her nose so I trotted over to the bathroom, grabbed a wet washcloth, and held her head back while applying some mild pressure.
She calmed down, and I cleaned her face and hands off (she had been instinctively rubbing her nose during this process). Within twenty minutes she was back to normal and playing happily. Both kids went to bed without incident.
When my wife got home later, I started to recount the story.
"...and I looked up and saw the blood on her face, my shirt, her clothes..."
"Whoa", she interrupted, "there's blood on HER NEW OUTFIT?!"
"Well, yes."
She starts to simmer and make exasperated noises.
"Wait, you're not mad at me are you. Are you saying it's my fault that her clothes are stained? Don't you even care how she's doing?", I continued.
"Just shut up.", she replied.
She spent the rest of the evening cleaning the few drops of blood out of our daughter's clothes.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Square Peg, Round DVD
The other day, I turned on the stereo for the kids to listen to in their playroom. I noticed there was already a disk inserted, so I figured she had already been listening to something.
The player refused to start however. Upon ejecting the disk, I realized she had been attempting to play a DVD in the CD player.
I supposed I could chalk it up to confusion, since we sometimes play CDs on our DVD player, but this particular stereo is about seventeen years old.
The player refused to start however. Upon ejecting the disk, I realized she had been attempting to play a DVD in the CD player.
I supposed I could chalk it up to confusion, since we sometimes play CDs on our DVD player, but this particular stereo is about seventeen years old.
Scary Technology
Recently, my wife and I stopped off at the grocery to pick up a few things. She was just picking some stuff up for herself, and I was tagging along.
As we approached the checkouts, she breezed past several of the kiosks where you can check yourself out, and chose to wait in line elsewhere, even though she only had a few items.
"Why don't you just go to one of the self-checkout things?", I asked her.
"Those things scare me.", she replied.
I could understand this if we were in our eighties, but we are quite a bit younger.
As we approached the checkouts, she breezed past several of the kiosks where you can check yourself out, and chose to wait in line elsewhere, even though she only had a few items.
"Why don't you just go to one of the self-checkout things?", I asked her.
"Those things scare me.", she replied.
I could understand this if we were in our eighties, but we are quite a bit younger.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Missing the Onramp to the Information Superhighway
I've spoken before about my wife's fear of computers and technology in general. Specifically, anything designed in the last twenty years is like kryptonite to her. So our conversation last night surprised me.
She has managed to somehow join a social networking site (ala. Facebook or MySpace) run by her college sorority.
"Could you put some pictures on my site?", she asked casually.
"Huh?"
"Could you put some pictures on my site?", she repeated.
"A lot of my friends have pictures of their kids and stuff on their sites, so I want to put some on mine."
"I can help you get started, but you will have to do it.", I replied.
"Why, can't you get to all my stuff on the computer?".
This is a persistent misconception. She has her own account on our computer, and she is convinced that I have unfettered access to everything she has or does. I have told her repeatedly that if I wanted to I could, but I do not, in fact, know her password, so I cannot get into her e-mail or anything else. Furthermore, I explained, I do not have access to her site.
She sighed disappointedly. You just can't have it both ways.
She has managed to somehow join a social networking site (ala. Facebook or MySpace) run by her college sorority.
"Could you put some pictures on my
"Huh?"
"Could you put some pictures on my
"A lot of my friends have pictures of their kids and stuff on their sites, so I want to put some on mine."
"I can help you get started, but you will have to do it.", I replied.
"Why, can't you get to all my stuff on the computer?".
This is a persistent misconception. She has her own account on our computer, and she is convinced that I have unfettered access to everything she has or does. I have told her repeatedly that if I wanted to I could, but I do not, in fact, know her password, so I cannot get into her e-mail or anything else. Furthermore, I explained, I do not have access to her
She sighed disappointedly. You just can't have it both ways.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Why Can't We All Just Get Along
I actually have it pretty good. My wife and I do not fight about a lot of things. We agree on budgeting, how to raise the kids, religion, politics, etc. But there is one thing we do not see eye to eye on.
Time.
More to the point, my wife has a distorted view of it, especially how I spend mine. Basically, if she does not understand what I am doing, or has no interest in it, it must be a waste of time.Here is my typical day:
5:30 AM - 6:00 AM - Wake up, shower, get dressed.
6:00 AM - 6:30 AM - Eat breakfast, read the news, check e-mail, etc.
6:30 AM - 6:45 AM - Brush teeth, comb hair, etc.
6:45 AM - 7:00 AM - Pack up, leave for work.
7:10 AM - Noon - Work (talk to customers, meet with coworkers, write reports).
Noon - 12:30 PM - Lunch (soup at desk).
12:30 PM - 5:00 PM - Work (see above).
5:00 PM - Leave work.
5:20 PM - Arrive home.
5:30 PM - 7:00 PM - Prepare, serve, and clean up dinner for everyone.
7:30 PM - 8:15 PM - Put children to bed.
8:15 PM - 9:00 PM - Help wife with whatever she needs, unless she just wants to watch TV.
9:00 PM - 11:00 PM - My only free time during the day. Work on home improvements, watch TV, browse web, play a game on the computer (rare).
Pretty normal, right? Here is how my wife, the stay-at-home mom, perceives my day:
4:30 AM - 6:00 AM - Wakes up, showers, gets dressed very loudly.
6:00 AM - 7:00 AM - Plays on computer.
7:00 AM - Abandons the family. Wakes up children on the way out. Leaves garage door open to tempt serial killers.
7:30 AM - 5:30 PM - Arrives at "work". Plays on computer, chats with friends, eats at expensive restaurants, goes shopping, plays on computer, watches movies, naps, plays on computer.
5:30 PM - 6:15 PM - Overwhelmed with guilt, decides to return to family. And his computer.
6:15 PM - 7:30 PM - Grudgingly feeds something to children. Otherwise ignores them and watches news, wishing there were a computer in the kitchen to play on.
7:30 PM - 7:40 PM - While playing on the computer, yells at children until they are too frightened to leave their rooms.
7:40 PM - 1:00 AM - Plays on computer. Listens to the gentle sound of the house falling apart.
Based on the above, can you guess what we argue about the most?
Time.
More to the point, my wife has a distorted view of it, especially how I spend mine. Basically, if she does not understand what I am doing, or has no interest in it, it must be a waste of time.Here is my typical day:
5:30 AM - 6:00 AM - Wake up, shower, get dressed.
6:00 AM - 6:30 AM - Eat breakfast, read the news, check e-mail, etc.
6:30 AM - 6:45 AM - Brush teeth, comb hair, etc.
6:45 AM - 7:00 AM - Pack up, leave for work.
7:10 AM - Noon - Work (talk to customers, meet with coworkers, write reports).
Noon - 12:30 PM - Lunch (soup at desk).
12:30 PM - 5:00 PM - Work (see above).
5:00 PM - Leave work.
5:20 PM - Arrive home.
5:30 PM - 7:00 PM - Prepare, serve, and clean up dinner for everyone.
7:30 PM - 8:15 PM - Put children to bed.
8:15 PM - 9:00 PM - Help wife with whatever she needs, unless she just wants to watch TV.
9:00 PM - 11:00 PM - My only free time during the day. Work on home improvements, watch TV, browse web, play a game on the computer (rare).
Pretty normal, right? Here is how my wife, the stay-at-home mom, perceives my day:
4:30 AM - 6:00 AM - Wakes up, showers, gets dressed very loudly.
6:00 AM - 7:00 AM - Plays on computer.
7:00 AM - Abandons the family. Wakes up children on the way out. Leaves garage door open to tempt serial killers.
7:30 AM - 5:30 PM - Arrives at "work". Plays on computer, chats with friends, eats at expensive restaurants, goes shopping, plays on computer, watches movies, naps, plays on computer.
5:30 PM - 6:15 PM - Overwhelmed with guilt, decides to return to family. And his computer.
6:15 PM - 7:30 PM - Grudgingly feeds something to children. Otherwise ignores them and watches news, wishing there were a computer in the kitchen to play on.
7:30 PM - 7:40 PM - While playing on the computer, yells at children until they are too frightened to leave their rooms.
7:40 PM - 1:00 AM - Plays on computer. Listens to the gentle sound of the house falling apart.
Based on the above, can you guess what we argue about the most?
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Suffering From Withdrawal
One of the greatest inventions of modern society is direct deposit. I have used this in just about every job I have had. For part-time jobs that didn't have it as an option, it was a huge annoyance to have to deposit my paycheck manually.
For my wife, it eats into her life.
My wife still works the odd babysitting job because she is convinced we need every extra penny possible. She is also convinced that she must go to a teller to deposit her checks. This causes no end of turmoil.
It's Friday. I'm just coming home from work.
"I have to run to the bank before they close!", she will blurt out.
"Why?", I'll ask. I know why.
"I have to deposit my checks!"
"So? Just deposit it at the ATM.", I reply.
"But I need some cash back!" She's getting nervous. The clock is ticking.
"So? Just withdraw some from your account at the same time.", I calmly reply.
"No! I can't do it that way. It's my OCD!", she admits. I don't know that she has ever been diagnosed with OCD. That is just what she calls this behavior.
This is what annoys me the most. She has occasional moments of clarity. She knows that she does things that don't make sense, but she refuses to address it most of the time.
For my wife, it eats into her life.
My wife still works the odd babysitting job because she is convinced we need every extra penny possible. She is also convinced that she must go to a teller to deposit her checks. This causes no end of turmoil.
It's Friday. I'm just coming home from work.
"I have to run to the bank before they close!", she will blurt out.
"Why?", I'll ask. I know why.
"I have to deposit my checks!"
"So? Just deposit it at the ATM.", I reply.
"But I need some cash back!" She's getting nervous. The clock is ticking.
"So? Just withdraw some from your account at the same time.", I calmly reply.
"No! I can't do it that way. It's my OCD!", she admits. I don't know that she has ever been diagnosed with OCD. That is just what she calls this behavior.
This is what annoys me the most. She has occasional moments of clarity. She knows that she does things that don't make sense, but she refuses to address it most of the time.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Can't Make The Connection
A recent storm finally took its toll on one of the older trees in our backyard. One of the larger limbs broke off one morning and knocked out our cable and phone lines.
My wife called me later in the day fuming.
"What is wrong with this #&%@#! computer!"
"What's the problem?", I replied.
"I can't check my @#$%! e-mail!", she continued to scream.
"We have no phone service right now.", I calmly stated.
"So?!" she shot back.
"That's how we get the internet.", I finally said.
"Oh."
My wife called me later in the day fuming.
"What is wrong with this #&%@#! computer!"
"What's the problem?", I replied.
"I can't check my @#$%! e-mail!", she continued to scream.
"We have no phone service right now.", I calmly stated.
"So?!" she shot back.
"That's how we get the internet.", I finally said.
"Oh."
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Piece of (Cup)Cake
My son recently had a birthday, so my wife decided to get this really cool cake of cup cakes. Basically, the bakery takes a bunch of cup cakes, arranges them together, and decorates it like a sheet cake. The one my wife picked out had this neat, and somewhat elaborate, toy placed on top as part of the decoration.
So far so good.
She asked if I could pick up the cake on the way home from work. When the lady behind the counter handed me the cake, she also handed me the toy, disassembled, in a plastic bag.
"You'll have to put the decoration together yourself, since it is too big to fit on the cake with the cover on.", she said.
"No problem!", I replied.
When I got home, I explained this to my wife.
She. Freaked. Out.
"What?! I don't know how to put it together!"
I opened up the bag and looked at the parts. There were four pieces.
"Is there a picture?! Are there instructions?!"
There weren't instructions, but the way the pieces were shaped made it fairly obvious how it all fit together.
"Did you see what it looked like?! I don't remember! You need to go back up there and have them put that together and hurry! I don't know how long they're open tonight!"
"Got it.", I finally said.
She stopped her tirade and stared at me. "How did you know how to put it together?"
"I just...did. I just, you know, looked at it and figured it out."
"No, I don't know.", she replied.
Story of her life.
So far so good.
She asked if I could pick up the cake on the way home from work. When the lady behind the counter handed me the cake, she also handed me the toy, disassembled, in a plastic bag.
"You'll have to put the decoration together yourself, since it is too big to fit on the cake with the cover on.", she said.
"No problem!", I replied.
When I got home, I explained this to my wife.
She. Freaked. Out.
"What?! I don't know how to put it together!"
I opened up the bag and looked at the parts. There were four pieces.
"Is there a picture?! Are there instructions?!"
There weren't instructions, but the way the pieces were shaped made it fairly obvious how it all fit together.
"Did you see what it looked like?! I don't remember! You need to go back up there and have them put that together and hurry! I don't know how long they're open tonight!"
"Got it.", I finally said.
She stopped her tirade and stared at me. "How did you know how to put it together?"
"I just...did. I just, you know, looked at it and figured it out."
"No, I don't know.", she replied.
Story of her life.
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