Close Minded

My wife had just finished doing the Facebook thing on our laptop.

"Okay, I'm going to bed. How do I turn the computer off", she asked.

"Oh, just close the lid. That'll do it.", I replied.

She paused. "I don't know how to do that."

Her Brain is in Park

My wife and I went into the city to visit one of the museums with the kids. As usual, she drove, and I navigated since she usually has no idea where she is going.

She pulled into a parking spot in a garage next to the museum, but the car was a little cockeyed, so I hopped out of the car to help her get lined up. She started waving at me frantically and pulling on the gear shift.

"It won't go out of park!", she yelled.

I climbed back in the car, glanced at the dash, and told her how to fix the problem.

"You need to turn the car back on."

See, It's Not Just Me

A member of my wife's immediate family recently underwent an extended hospital stay for some lengthy procedures. Prior to their admission, the family was briefed on what the stay would entail.

"I'm really pissed off right now.", she said one day, hanging up the phone.

"What's up?", I asked.

"It's my family. They won't tell me anything about [her family member]."
She continued. "My mom even said I wouldn't understand all the medical terms. It's like they think I'm an idiot or something."

"Hmm.", I replied.

She Needs to Go With Him...

Our son recently started back to school. My wife was telling me about how the first day went.

Her: "Oh. And I added forty more dollars to his lunch account. He only had seventeen in there. I don't how much that is."

Me: "..."
Me: "Fifty-seven."
Her: "Oh."

The Key to Stupidity

"Have you seen my car keys?", she asked me the other day.

"No.", I answered wearily. One of my wife's never ending frustrations is her inability to find her personal items. She has wasted countless hours searching for things. I have suggested frequently that she pick a spot to put her things, and force herself to put them there when she gets home. But in her ADHD-like fog, she just drops them at random.

"Did you look in the car?", I asked. I will admit she will often drop her purse and keys in the passenger seat of her car to avoid this dilemma, but it causes an obvious problem. And yes, I have had to unlock her door for her when her locks unexpectedly.

"Oh!" She dashed to to the garage and returned.

"Well, I found 'em. They were still in the ignition, and the car was on."

Let's review.

She left her keys in the car.

In the ignition.

On.

Now I should point out that the engine was not running. She had just left them in the accessory position. So at least she had not poisoned us all.

Yet.

Do As I Say, Not As I Duh.

The other night, things were just calming down. The kids were in bed, and I was settled in to watch some TV in our home office. As usual, I had my laptop in front of me but wasn't using it.

My wife came waltzing into the room.

"Get off Facebook!", she said, half-joking.

"I'm not even using the computer; I'm just watching TV.", I replied.

"Well, good. People that are on Facebook all night are really pathetic."

My techno-challenged wife recently upgraded her online repertoire to include Facebook along with her 10-year-old Hotmail account. After her outburst, she left to go to bed, or so I thought.

Just a couple of minutes later, she came in again. To update her Facebook status.

Crime is Stupid, But Not As Much as My Wife

There has been a slight up tick in crime in our area lately, specifically car break-ins. Accordingly, our neighborhood association sent around a letter with tips to prevent them.

One of the tips is to always park your car in the garage or at least as close to the house as possible.

Coincidentally, I am currently doing some work on the house, so half our garage is now devoted to tools and my work area. I cannot park my car in the garage.

Here's where the trouble starts.

I usually just park up close to the house next to a light post next to the drive way like this:

This way, I can walk out my front door and easily around to the driver's side while making sure the car is well lit.

This is unacceptable to my wife. The letter clearly stated "as close to the house as possible". So she does just that whenever she drives my car:

She will even move my car closer after I get home from work. I have told her repeatedly that this is both unnecessary and annoying. In this position, I have to walk through the dirt or wet grass to get around to the other side. It also blocks the sidewalk from anyone walking up.

It does not matter. She will not be deterred from her crime fighting.

My Wife, the Luddite

I've mentioned before that my wife is afraid of computers. This fear apparently extends to all electronics.

Example 1. We keep getting letters from our local electrical utility offering us a free, digital thermostat to replace the old, ugly rotary one we have. I'm all in favor of this, but my wife will have none of it.

"What's the big deal?", I asked, "It works the same and looks better."

"But I want to be able to control the temperature!", she barked.

"You still can; you just use the buttons to put in the temp you want. Plus, you can program it to change the temperature when we're not home."

"No! I want to do it!"

"You still can--"

"NO! I JUST DON'T LIKE THEM!!"

Example 2. We don't have cable, so I had to get some of those digital converters to use on the TVs and mount an outdoor antenna. I think the picture looks great, but she hates them.

Because you have to turn the TV on with one remote, and do everything else with another now.

That and sometimes the picture goes a little "pixelly".

On the upside, I'm slowly talking her in to getting cable. I can't wait to show her how a DVR works.

Too Cold To Think

With the recent cold snap, my wife is conflicted by the desire to stay warm and her paranoid belief that we are spiraling into financial doom. She has been keeping the thermostat very low to keep our gas bill low. She finally relented, though, and turned the heat up a bit:

"I noticed that when I turned the heat up, it got a lot warmer!", she told me one evening.

You think?